Undeniably, for no other conversation have I received so much hate mail. I'm baffled that because I've achieved a level of honesty with myself about my desire to have more than one sexual partner, I am often considered the anti-Christ. There has been such disdain directed at me for encouraging non-traditional relationship agreements to exist. Why shouldn't I be able to communicate a desire of sex with more than one partner to my partner, potential tricks or dates, friends and others.
For the record, I am not against monogamy FOR YOU. My position has been the same for the past few years and is not some manifestation of unaddressed bitterness or being jaded. I firmly believe, monogamy is a challenge for most men, and becomes a challenge within relationships the longer the two people are together. There, I've said it in a documented form so that hopefully, I won't be misquoted or misunderstood. In other words, if monogamy is for you and you can realistically achieve it, I applaud and support you.
But for most men, monogamy is a challenge and although intellectually, many of us will say that we want this for ourselves, many of us are incapable of delivering it to our relationships. And I won't rest on science or psychology that leads us to evidence of monogamy being a foreign concept for our species. I say many of us are incapable of monogamy because of our history of failure at it.
And please don't share your disagreement with this idea when you consider a long-term relationship two months. Even I've achieved monogamy for years and I don't even believe in it. Only after being in a relationship for many years, can we talk because your point of reference is naive.
Also, don't come to me telling me that you want monogamy with me, this is our goal as we build a new relationship, if you've never achieved it. You've cheated on your last three boyfriends and now you want to set that same restriction of monogamy for us because you have good intentions of achieving this lofty goal. I'm not that boy! I really don't need you to lie to me in this way. Nor do I need the lie of me being the only person you're sexually attracted to. I'm not that boy either!
What I need is your honesty. What I need and hope to find in this life is a world where we don't accept it as normal for lovers to not to be able to share with each other, what they share with their best friends. Where I see most of us living is in a world where sleeping with people outside your relationship is okay, as long as its hidden from your partner. I don't want to live in this world anymore. I've spent a lifetime of hiding my sexuality, I don't want to go back into a closet of hiding my sexual encounters.
What a history we could create for ourselves if we could be more honest about our sexual desires! Let's stop trying to impress the next man, your next ex-boyfriend because he too will find out that you're incapable of what you speak into most rooms for sake of not appearing to be whorish. For most men, monogamy is a four letter word, and this point is proven by our actions.
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3 comments:
cool post AND great interview at rodonline.typepad.com!
i agree...monogamy is a challenge and it isnt for everyone.
I realize it's not for me..not right now. And, like Ian, I've had great polyamorous and monogamous relationships...to each his own.
just seeing this blog, anthony. While I wouldn't go as far as to say that monagamy is a four letter word, I do think that it's worth folk being really honest about some of the challenges of monogamy and creating conditions where honesty and integrity can thrive. One thing struck me as odd about your blog though... sex with others as long as it's hidden from your partner? Why hide it? Doesn't that contridict the very foundation of integrity you hope to build? I suppose that some can handle understanding that it happens, but don't care to know the details. I can respect that. I just know that, for me, if I were to consider a polyamorous relationship, it couldn't be don't ask/don't tell. If i can talk with my partner, like i do my best friend, then I have absolutely nothing to hide... and he or she shouldn't either.
Still. Great post. And I greatly appreciate your candor.
Tim'm,
It's been a minute that I've been on here but Michael mentioned to me that you had left a comment to an earlier post. What I wrote wasn't clear so to be clear...yes, that would be contridiction. I was trying to explain the world I see most of my friends living in - a world where its okay to sleep with others as long as you don't talk about it when you come home. That DOESN'T work for me. I most definitely don't want that.
Sorry for my passionate flow that may have gotten jumbled in the explaination but YES, what I want is honesty...on all levels. Depending on the dynamics, I think there are spaces in "new relationship models" to talk about outside sexual encounters or not, or to decide to talk about them and change your mind in the middle of the relationship and be able to talk about that too. All of these options are new models for us to consider but landing on monogamy simply because that's where everyone lands (and many fail) is not the relationship model I'm working with. And unfortunately, that's the relationship model that 90% of my friends are using.
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