Beautiful Mistakes: Written 08-27-08

Written 08-27-08

Yesterday, I made a mistake. Not just a little “Ah Boo-Boo, get over it!” kind of a mistake. This is a huge, life-lasting mistake. Like my last two trips, although I didn’t do it, I wanted to get a tattoo here in Brazil. I’m sure you’re already in the car, arriving at the destination of where this is going. Having just two days remaining, the only two goals of sealing another perfect vacation was getting a tattoo and spending my last day of the perfect vacation in Rio.

Deciding the design of the tattoo wasn’t hard at all. I’ve been thinking about this since my last tattoo about 2 years ago. I have 3 tats, all have turned out perfect. Although I never settled on a design for my next tattoo, I knew it had to be unique, I knew it had to be in a city I’ve never gotten a tattoo (all my tattoo have meaning and will be from a different geographical location), and if I got my tat here in Brazil, it also had to communicate something of Brazil and my trip.

I did my research. I went online. I asked the locals. I did the work to find the best place and person to help me commemorate my trip. Unfortunately, after finding the shop that came highly recommended in a part of town nowhere near my hotel, having the taxi wait – the artist that I finally decided to use was in Germany for vacation, his shop totally closed. But I wanted my tattoo. So after more searching, I got my tattoo in a shop I had been to a few times before a few days ago. It was a shop near my hotel in the historic Pelourinho city within a city, a place full of rich Afro-Brazilian culture, art, music, fine dining.

I loved the design I decided upon. I love the meaning of my new tattoo. I loved the location of the shop in one of those colorful colonial buildings off a cobblestoned street. I learned to at least like the artist, although he spoke no English and all my questions and concerns had to be translated by the beautiful Brazilian local woman who spoke English very well. Decision made. “I’m getting my tattoo” and then I sat in my excitement. My special friend Michael spoke all his fears about safety, language barrier, and lack of research on artist and more. My response to him was, “I’ve made my decision. If it turns out less than how I want it to, it has turned out how it was supposed to. I’m prepared to live with my decision.” And with that, I got my new tattoo.

So today’s lesson, my first thought of this beautiful morning as I washed my excellent design of a tattoo executed by a poor artist is the thought I had right before I got my tattoo. “If this doesn’t turn out the way you planned, it is okay,” I said to myself. Even with something as serious as a tattoo. It’s similar to the thought I had at 17 moving to London (I hear my girlfriend Shauni saying not that story again, LOL), or when I jumped off the mountain in Rio, or when I touched the shark in Natal’s Aquarium over the weekend or when Dana and I decided to have Vogue. I’ve always been wired this way. If I move on my fear, or concerns, or doubts, or what everyone else is telling me to do or not do, I get nowhere. I end up harboring resentment at myself and others for what could have been. But when I take it all in, make an informed decision or more my style and the catalyst for the best, most exciting and unique experiences in my life, when I step out on faith, the blessings unfold.

Who at 17 moved to London for six years but me and was ready to live my life passionately chasing my dream? If I moved on my fear then, I wouldn’t have this superior experience to look back on. If I moved on fear at 20 years old when off the cuff, Dana and I decided to have our daughter (our journal entry documents March 16th, 1990), my beautiful daughter Vogue may not have ever made it to the planet. At that time, everyone told us that we were too young and that we shouldn’t do it. I can’t count the amount of blessings my daughter has brought and continues to bring to me. Thankfully, I didn’t move on their fear but stepped out on faith for a life-lasting decision that has turned out to produce endless rewards.

I remember thinking, and no shade to my wonderful life and those I dearly love and treasure, I know I had a moment or two during making the decision that “if I die jumping this mountain, then this is how I was supposed to die, while getting my life in Rio.” Honestly speaking, I couldn’t have done the jump if I didn’t truly have this thought. Over the weekend in Natal, I thought as I reached in to touch the shark, “if I lose my hand doing this crazy thing, it will be the most requested video on YouTube and I will be okay.”

So yesterday, I made a mistake. And this morning, I’m so pleased with my mistake. It reminds me of why I am who I am, the exact person I am, grabbing life by the balls and what I call “getting my life.” I made a mistake and it reminds me that I have the power to make mistakes or more important, make decisions that have huge pay-offs too. How many times have we all let a mistake steal our joy, some for years or a lifetime? Not me. That’s the beauty of having the ability to make decisions. So yes, yesterday, I made a mistake. But this morning, I’m brushed off about it and spending my last day of my trip, getting my life in Rio. And now, my trip is completo.

At the tattoo shop with the look of "its not going as it should," but I couldn't stop it. The train was already moving and now I've got my tattoo from Brazil.

First Lady of My Life: 08-26-08

First Lady of My Life: 08-26-08

Last night, after I went to the Bale Folclorico de Bahia (my second time witnessing the most amazing dance show I’ve ever seen), I stayed in the hotel to watch the opening of the Democratic National Convention 2008 on CNN. As much as I follow American politics these days, how could I be out of the country when these important times are unfolding? Thankfully, I could get CNN which is the channel I would have watched at home but I wouldn’t have the luxury of flipping through six other channels to see the commentary on local news, Fox News and other stations. What I especially missed tonight was being able to text some of my good girlfriends back at home (50 cents a text out of the country) to bounce my thoughts off of as would they - and if our thoughts just got too good (or wordy) to text, we’d call each other, get in our comments and tune right back in. Oh yeah, naturally the hotel doesn’t have TIVO (we are so spoiled but how did I ever watch TV without it) to go back and catch any moment I missed by "texting" too long or someone foolish enough to talk during that exact moment you needed not to miss.

Last night, there are two people I would have surely called – my friend Eulisa and my mom. Both of these women were on my mind as I watched a Black Woman, the hopeful First Lady Michelle Obama address the DNC 2008.

My friend and co-worker Eulisa is one of those take-no-mess kind of Black Woman and has exuded sacrifice and set high standards for her kids. She has three now-grown children, all of them off in college, all of them on full or partial scholarships. I am often amazed by this as I feel the anxiety of getting my one and only child off to college in less than a year. Here it is, Eulisa has three and if she ever missed a beat in raising her kids, you just wouldn’t know it. All I know is that I’ve seen each of her children start college, first child about to finish college and I can guess on what salary (we work in non-profit for the same company) so we are not rolling in the doe. In my mind, Eulisa hasn’t missed a beat. When Michelle Obama talked about a mom pouring everything into her as a child, I thought of Eulisa and so many women like her doing the same thing for their kids.

I too couldn’t help but to think about the Black Woman that poured everything into me. My mom is enormously amazing to me. I still don’t know how my mom did it, having me at 18 and my brother to follow at 19, living in ‘hood Newark, on what income – I can’t even imagine but we made it. Surely it was with the help of the village, but at the heart sustaining, sacrificing, enduring and ensuring was my mom, one of the strongest Black Women I know. Family values were taught to us, not as one or two lessons, but as a way of life. Her living her life, doing her best to provide for her kids was the example.

We took a family bus ride out of the country, to Canada when I was seven. It was that trip that opened the world for me and the foundation for my first plane ride, moving to London at age 17. My mom is still amazed that her son would find courage to do that, but why? My mom poured into me so much security and love that I always knew I had a home to come back to. And without missing a beat, and on next to no income in my mind, here we were as a family going out of the country. I know there are people in Newark who have never left the state of New Jersey, some haven’t seen outside of Newark. But my mom ensured otherwise for me. Of course, I would travel and see the world. My mom set that example that it can be done.

It’s a sacrifice to give $100 to my daughter today, so I know what sacrifice it was for my mom to give my brother and me each sparkling new bikes, leather wallets both with crisp $100 bills on what’s probably my most special and favorite Christmas 1981. That was my mom. The list is endless. At age seven, my mom moved us out of Newark, I believe one of the most single impactful decisions that shapes who I am today. And when the culture shifted in Alexandria, Virginia in how Black Men were becoming, mom moved us, purchasing her first home in Dale City, Virginia. My brother and I always had the best she could possibly provide, many times opportunities she never had growing up herself. But that was just my mom. By no means am I saying that my mom was perfect but surely, what I know whole hearted is that my mom was and still is perfect for me.

But isn’t that the strong Black women we see every day, making a way out of no way, finding opportunity in it all. That’s Eulisa in my eyes. And that’s my mom. Against all odds and landing sturdy through improbable journeys, there are Black Women. When Michelle mentioned her husband Barack talking about “the world as it is" and "the world as it should be", noting all too often we accept the distance between the two – not my mom. Not so many Black Women I know. I know I continue to live with hope because I saw the supernatural when I was young, my mom taking much of nothing and turning it into a whole lot of something for the sake of her kids. She did this right before my eyes. At my core I’m hopeful for the world and my world as it should be because I witnessed my mom’s magic growing up.

So this morning, I simply wanted to honor my mom, her name is Mommy to me still to this day. I honor Eulisa White. I honor all my regular sista girlfriends that do the damn thing daily, you know, holding together the Black family and making sure the hair is right, seemingly effortless in the same swoop. We all know the sistas, the ones who don’t let an absent father count them absent as mothers in their child’s lives. The sista that raises her kids to have values, to care about the world they live in, to care about their fellow man. The Black Women raising Black Men, keeping them healthy and safe, ensuring their survival, teaching them how to represent being a Black Man. I speak my girlfriend Kem’s name and too many regular, everyday others we must always remember to honor. The sistas who have hope like Michelle Obama, not resting on the fears they see unfolding in their neighborhoods, but the hope of what the world or just their round-the-way neighborhood can be. I see her every day, driving to work or her walking to the bus stop, catching the bus to college, working hard for her dream whether it’s to run a daycare or to run a corporation, start a non-profit for under-privileged kids or live in the White House helping to shift the trajectory of America. I look at Michelle Obama and see my mom, I see Eulisa, I see Kem, I see so many Black Women I know and don’t know, but too have huge respect for. That’s another Black Woman making it do what it do. That's what I thought last night watching Michelle Obama address the DNC.

So as some of the commentary has already mentioned the feat (and I do understand one aspect of this amazement) of a Black Woman, the First Lady hopeful addressing the DNC tonight, I too am moved, just ever so different than what some already said last night (Michelle’s speech) meant for history and our country. I too have forgotten to honor that I was raised in a climate that a Black woman could eventually be First Lady and even President, that Hilary’s 18 million cracks was superseded by 18 billion cracks in that glass ceiling placed there by Black women, many I know and love. I must remember, this is not such a strange thought for my world after all. Why would it be? I’m surrounded by Black Women who are truly superior, over-achieving, against all odds, surviving, dedicated, compassionate, enduring, strong – you know everyday Black Women. I know these women, live with these women, work with these women every day. This is not abnormal to me as it may be to media or White America. It’s just the way it is and the way it is supposed to be. That’s a normal view in my world. How could it not be? I myself was raised by Wonder Woman, powerful beyond belief, ever standing on faith even when the world had none for her having me at age 18. Sure a Black Woman can be First Lady, even President of the United States because my mom – First Lady of my world is absolutely nothing short of a living, breathing Black Queen.

Thank you to all the Black Women in my life. I honor you.

I Can Do This: Written 08-24-08

I Can Do This: Written 08-24-08

Thank you E. Lynn for another entertaining read. Your books have been a backdrop to significant parts of my life since you began your career as an author. I remember reading Invisible Life as if my own then invisible life depended on it. Your words and books entertain me. Your story inspires me.

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you to the tenth power to E. Lynn Harris.

Riding the sand dunes of Natal. It feels like a roller-coaster but you are in a car with a skilled driver intentionally making you feel like he will flip the buggy. The video doesn't give you proper height/distance perspective but trust me, this was an adventure.

The Original Dream: 08-24-08

The Original Dream

Right before I left Atlanta, I had an old favorite captured moment of my life converted to DVD and posted on YouTube. It was my very first music video “Swing” by The Deff Boyz featuring Tony Mac (one of the pseudonyms I recorded under living in London). I originally had the tape converted to American format VHS tape back in 2000 but much has changed even since then. YouTube has taken America and the rest of the world by storm and if it’s not preserved on YouTube, then did it even happen?

So my goal of the past few weeks was to load some of my treasured moments to YouTube. I started with my very first music video “Swing.” More than the idea as an artist of being in a music video for one of my songs, my very first video was on regular rotation on MTV Europe. At age 17, that was a part of my wildest dream. I couldn’t have been more close to the dream than (age 21) sitting at home chillin’ and there it was, without direct prompting on my part, my video was being played. One of those times, I had enough sense to capture the moment by dropping a tape in my VCR and recording my own video being played all over the country.

Arriving here in Natal, the hotel had internet access for cheap so I decided to stay connected over the weekend. Really, internet can be a distraction from vacationing and especially a distraction from my goal of writing this week in Brazil. But I’m sooooooo happy I logged on. I posted my video “Swing” on YouTube the day I left Atlanta and already, it’s gotten so many hits. I didn’t really promote it but to a few of my friends. Its unbelievable how many people in my life didn’t realize how close I got to my original dream, one friend sending me an email back – “Wow Anthony! That was HOT! You were touching your dream.” The original dream was to be an international recording artist with hit records. “Swing” was an international dance club hit. My second release “What’s Goin’ Down” hit in Europe and my third release with London based jazz guitarist Ronny Jordan (like “Swing) made it over here to the States. There’s a tape that exist of me taping the Ronny Jordan track I’m featured on - “Under Your Spell” when it once aired on BET. It’s all very cool thinking back on it.

I write today about this because it’s been exciting to discover other posting of “Swing” even before I posted the video in which people are giving the Paul Hardcastle produced song and me props for a moment in the early 90s when my song was their favorite song, some noting it a hip-house classic. HUH? Who knew? It’s such a great feeling to revisit times gone by, my history I created for myself. I’m too reminded that I had a dream at 17, dedicated my life to that dream, and although it didn’t unfold exactly as planned, it unfolded in ways some never have the opportunity to experience. Do you know how many recording artists would sell their first born to see their video aired on MTV/BET or any television? I’ve performed on national television quite a few times. I toured with C&C Music Factory. I’ve heard a variety of my songs played on various radio in Europe and here at home. There’s too many stories to tell about my family taking me around the neighborhood to have their friends meet me because my song was on regular rotation in their hometowns (Philly, DC, Dallas). My brother even taped my song off the radio (Dallas, TX) as a song he like, not knowing it was his brother until weeks later after I finally sent a copy of it to him. How crazy is that? But that was me then living my dream.

I remember all of this to remind myself, that if I once got that close to the biggest dream I knew to dream, I can surely do it again. For the longest time, few people believed in my dream, many blatantly telling me that I was crazy for chasing the goal of stardom in music. But I sit this morning knowing that I can do it again. I’m older, wiser, sexier in my mind ONLY to the tune that I am so much more connected to who I am as a person – which can only help me in achieving my next BIG dream. I too write as a testimony, because surely, I pray that I’m not alone in having goals of dreams too big to see with the reality of your life today. But that’s the beauty of it all. I’ve not arrived at my next big dream YET, but I whole-heartedly state and fully affirm my ability to achieve any dream I desire, any dream that God has for my life (insert my mom speaking in tongues here), let the choir sing, and all the kidz say Halleluiah! I’m blinded by the Universe’s future plans for my life. What I’m so connected to this morning is the beauty of life, the truth I know for me and for others is, that potential power to achieve anything is within us all.

My very first video "Swing" by The Deff Boyz featuring little ole - ME!

The Good Life: Written 08-23-08

The Good Life: Written 08-23-08

I’ve stayed in some fab hotels in my times. Moving quickly to #2 on my Fab Hotel List is the Pestana Natal Beach Resort in Natal, Rio Grande do Norte – Brazil (#1 on my list is the Condado Plaza Hotel in San Juan I stayed in over Christmas break). Our flight was delayed over an hour and we arrived at the airport two hours in advance due to traffic being lighter than believed so I wasn’t happy waiting at airport for four hours on my vacation. Thanks to having the ability to fall asleep anywhere and the fiercest iPod on the planet, time flew by and a little before midnight Friday evening, we landed in Natal.

Natal (Portuguese for “Christmas”) is the capital city of Rio Grande do Norte, a northeastern state in Brazil. My child-like excitement for any place I’ve never been was placed in a box while exiting a section of the airport. Immediately exiting baggage claim to the central meeting location for travelers and their families, the stares began. I could see that this wasn’t a place as welcoming to Black travelers. It wasn’t the these-are-the-Americanos-we-are-excited-by stares that were often apparent in Salvador. It was more like, “what are you doing here?” stares that momentarily had me feeling much like a foreign tourist. With 80% of the population in metro-Salvador being of Black African origin, Salvador is the center of Afro-Brazilian culture in Brazil. Leaving Salvador was like leaving home. So I already know that Natal may be an every once in a while vacation spot but surely not where I ever rest my hat in a closet.

We arrived at the hotel close to 1am and God bless Brazil and all things holy, this hotel makes your heart beat fast and miss beats simultaneously. The color scheme is vibrant orange and red with funky art of many bright designs and colors to remind you the pleasures of being alive. I’m so thankful for color this morning. I’m so thankful for the sounds of the ocean today, still playing melody in my ear as I type, similar melody that danced in my ear while I slept peaceful through the remainder of my night after settling in.

During breakfast came much of the same stares – certainly not from the extremely attentive staff who seemed please that a Black man was in their presence, but more from vacationing families who seemed interrupted by a Black man’s presence in their paradise hideaway. There’s a continuous tape of “whatever gurl” deflecting the stares. I’m a Black man, traveling the world, stepping in the footsteps and into the life that’s ordained for me. Not one stare can distract me from that truth. “Whatever gurl!!!”

I have to know who sings this song. I got the wit to get my camera out and tape the end of a beautiful, passionate song by some female artist. The staff at the hotel couldn't tell me either. Do you know???

When In Bahia: Written 08-22-08

When in Bahia, Do Like the Bahians

Last night, I tried octopus for the first time. It was delicious. Absolutamente delicioso! No, it doesn’t taste like chicken. Isn’t that what everyone says about all foreign food, especially to get someone to try it? It was a new taste to me, one that I could become comfortable with very easily. Honestly, savoring octopus tasted like the good life.

Now it could be that I was at this restaurant called Amado that overlooks what’s known to be the mythical Bahia de Todos Santos or “Bay of All Saints.” It’s a very contemporary Brazilian restaurant on Avenida Contorno, located in a centuries-old cargo warehouse that was transformed to invoke tranquility and a magical atmosphere. Amado did not disappoint.

Sitting almost dock-like, in my view while dining was a cruise ship shaped building that contained the most breath-taking condo I’ve ever seen. “What does the owner do for a living?” I asked myself a few times. “Maybe she’s an author of novels. Or maybe he is a clothing designer. Do they appreciate what’s probably their vacation home, or second living quarters,” as was explained to me by one of the waiters? We were in the Buckhead-plus of Salvador, Bahia. In a flash, I could see myself taking a break from writing my second or third novel, walking onto my patio, and still totally appreciating the view of my now favorite restaurant Amado across the bay, remembering and never forgetting to appreciate eating octopus for the very first time.

What a fun morning to watch beautiful Brazilian children exercise, all of us up at 6:30am, but they far more energetic than I at that time of the morning. They were a joy to watch.

A Life Pre-Destined

A Life Pre-Destined: Written 08-21-08

My first thought when I woke this morning was that I am living the exact life that I am supposed to be living, that there’s some magic at work that makes me – ME, living this exact life. It’s often my first thought of my day, before the hustle of the day takes me elsewhere, before the other people living within my head convinces me otherwise. By the end of the day, I’m restless at all I haven’t achieved, I’ve beaten up on myself about countless failures, I’ve stripped myself of the magic that I woke with this morning, that my life is good, and exactly what and how it needs to be to get to where I need to go before I die.

My second thought this morning is what I will write about today with a little discretion but I must get it out. I’ve challenged myself to wake up each morning of my trip to write a blog a day about whatever I feel. Last night, going to bed, I noted that I would too shoot a video that communicates my appreciation for the blessing of Brazil and being able to use my passport one more time. But my second thought today was not about Brazil or vacationing, but about pre-destiny. It was a conversation that I often wrestled with as a kid.

Do you believe that our lives are pre-destined? Or do you believe we hold the power to make our lives exactly what we want it to be? I’m still wrestling with the answer today. As a young kid, with the impression of God and religion and a kid-like connection to spirituality, I totally believed in pre-destiny. But with that came a laziness to act because why act, if the road has already been fully planned out for you. As a kid, I rested on life to take me where it was already planned I would go. What I now believe is some marriage of the two in which the acting and doing the work is me learning who I am all over again. It’s some new-age thinking with a mix of Anthony-ism that explains what I felt in my spirit all along, and is how I think and live today.

So I digress from my second thought of the day. My second thought this morning was realizing that HIV has been a part of my life since I was eight years old. For the first time in my life, I realized that my original connections to HIV that I often talk about (Rock Hudson on Donahue, the fashion designer Willi Smith dying weeks before I was to meet him, being tested for HIV ten times in London then Texas, knowing then losing Russel and Terrence when I first moved to Atlanta) were all preceded by a close friend of mine when I was eight years old eventually dying from complications of HIV – probably when I was fifteen or so. At the time, in the 1980’s, I was told that he died of cancer, probably from all we didn’t know about HIV in 1984. Knowing what I know now about HIV, it had to be that way. Even close friends and family was told that he had cancer but I now know that he died from HIV.

I’m writing this crazy novel now tentatively titled “Never Just Sex” and I woke feeling like no one but I should write this book, that I have to write this book as part of my pre-destined life to say what this book will say, to tell the story that will have the impact/s that it will have on myself and the world. “Never Just Sex” will place me in the heart of such important dialogue, conversations that are nature for me to facilitate, discourse that continues to teach and feed my spirit and informs my work as an HIV counselor. I feel so connected to my destiny this morning. And it didn’t start with Rock Hudson on Donahue. And it’s not just because I’ve been an HIV counselor for close to ten years now. Imagine that irony. I went to school for music and at 17, you couldn’t tell me anything else I was going to do with my life but music. It’s all connected and the links to this dream began when I was about 8 years old. My childhood friend was taken from me because of HIV when I was 15. This pisses me off. That the world was not ready for the truth of his death and inevitably the lessons within his passing, this pisses me off too. Imagine the number of lives that may have been spared if his truth could have been told to me, my friends, his family, the world. I don’t remember exactly how old he was, but he was young and taken way too early. This is why I must write my novel. This, and all things to follow in the link, up to today, is why I’ve committed my Brazil Trip 3 to writing.

Brazil Trip 3: Written 08-20-08

Brazil Trip 3: A Writing, Spiritual & Revitalizing Journey

Pinch me – I’m in Brazil for my third trip. And trust me, this journey will be equally spiritual but also, my third trip to the country I am so in love with will also be work related. I have a dream that I must proclaim here now and everyday forward beyond my arrival at my dream. I will be a published author traveling, seeing, and learning the world while promoting my NY Times and world acclaimed novels. It’s been a dream, a goal of mine secretly and quietly for years now with spurts of dedication and little sustainable commitment to it. But all of that foolishness is about to change.

What does this have to do with Brazil? I’m traveling to Brazil this trip with 16 friends. We have known each other since 2002 but all of us have done a horrible job with keeping in touch. I have serious love for all 16 and truly feel blessed to know them. We all decided to take this trip to Brazil together, spend time with one another, and learn each other all over again. There’s one very special man in the 16 that I can’t wait for all of you to meet. His name is Garret Harlem Lawrence.

This is the deal. Garret is HIV positive and independently wealthy; some would say filthy-nasty rich. He would probably be more upset that I’ve told you he is independently wealthy than he would about his HIV status. Unfortunately, Garret has been told that he has months to live (medications are simply not working) and in true Garret spirit, he’s not going without a fight, some big-bang exit for his crazy and unbelievable life. For the last five years, Garret documented in his personal sex journals, all of the people he has had sex with – most of them anonymous or casual encounters, none of them he ever disclosed his HIV status to. With much help from his twin brother Ziggy, his closest friends Woody and Deja, and a national television network, Garret invited close to 500 people he had sexed to this lavish party to disclose his HIV status. I know, crazy right?

At this party, Garret disclosed his HIV status to his sex partners by pre-recorded video and then offered to them all (but only ten could accept) one million dollars to participate in a reality based, HIV prevention television show to air on a national television network. Each of the ten found out their HIV status on camera and we are all waiting for the reality show to air. Garret and I both know that as crazy as his plan was, this reality show will inevitably educate millions of viewers.

This is who I am spending my time with in Brazil. It’s a mad crazy bunch but trust, all characters will make this trip well worth the journey. I’ve stated and will continue to verbally manifest up until and all through the physical living and breathing materialization of my dream, I will be a published author traveling, seeing and learning the world while promoting my novels. My dream is for my first published novel to generate so much income that I can live in Brazil for half the year working on my next novel. What better backdrop to write a novel than Salvador, Bahia and Rio de Jennneiro. And in best Anthony fashion, I’ve learned that if you truly have a dream, live the parts of your dream that you can create today and by doing so, you are ordering the Universe to have the rest fall in line. What I know I can create today is a trip to Brazil where I can spend time writing my first novel tentatively titled “Never Just Sex.” Welcome to my third trip to Brazil!

On the beach in Salvador, getting a very special foot massage from a local making his money for the day. It's a job that brings him joy - as he spoke very little English to tell me so. He kept singing Backstreet Boys and other American songs to me. What a welcome to Brazil!

Look Who's a Senior

Truly the richest, most rewarding blessing of my life is being a father. And not just being a father, but being "Daddy" to my very special daughter Vogue. She's such a blessing to me and has been source for extreme joy, happiness and immeasurable learning in my world for her entire life. So you can imagine why today, her first day of 12th grade, I woke up extremely emotional and excited.

I remember thinking I had it all figured out at the start of my 12th grade year. I felt like I could conquer the world and nothing could stop me. And a true law of nature, the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree. At times I wish I could tell her, or show her, or bottle up for her the distance between what I had all figured out, and the truths I learned along the way. But mostly, I hesitate to shade with any dark colors her learning and experiencing her exact life that will lead her to her own personal growth and truths. As a father, there's such a balancing act I play with this.

What I often remind her of is that these are unique days that she should not take for granted. These are days where I can say to my daughter and mean it more than ever that "you can absolutely become whatever you want in your life. The sky is the limit. Endless are the possibilities." Not just in my family, but in our world, the examples of greatness achieved particularly by Black women sets the stage of what's to come for my daughter. Her future is so bright. I'm so thankful and appreciative for all that's too blinding to see today.

Thank you Vogue for choosing me to be your father in this life. I'm still so very much in love with you. You're a fine young lady that I am very proud of. And there's not a more rich and rewarding blessing in this life than being your Daddy.

My Acting Debut in Dirty Laundry

Originally written Tuesday, May 23, 2006

My Acting Debut in the Upcoming New Film "Dirty Laundry" Current

mood: accomplished

So, I'm online talking with my friend James Earl Hardy (author of the B-Boy Blues series) and he gives me kudos for my one-line movie debut in "Dirty Laundry" starring Rockmond Dunbar, Jennifer Lewis, Loretta Devine and more - due out in December 2006. James had an opportunity to see a private pre-release screening of it in New York with a small select group.

I didn't mention to anyone that I was chosen by writer/director and friend Maurice Jamal for a one-line part while spending time on the set a few weeks ago in fear that my one line would be cut out the final edit of the film. And I guess at this point, it still could be cut but now that at least a few peeps have seen it, I'll at least mention it.

I spent hours and hours channeling my motivation for "Pie Eater #2", a character I named Julius (the first name to come to mind due to a friend named Julius being in the crowd). While winking at my co-star Jennifer Lewis and remaining focused (Rockmond and I are method actors, you see) during my scene with Rockmond, I put my thespian teachings to practice and uttered the word "Julius" while sitting in front of four apple pies and there, right there in my glorious, deliciously edible moment - a movie star was born. *wink*

August 11th, 2008

Over the weekend, the movie "Dirty Laundry" aired on a cable network. Again, my phone started blowing up with text messages and phone calls that my one line movie debut was seen by so many people. It's amazing that of all the things I've done in the music and other industries, more people stop me and give me feedback for my appearance in Dirty Laundry. It's crazy!!! I'm ready to move to Hollywood and pursue a career in acting now.

As I tell everyone, although appearing in the movie and seeing it on the Big Screen was amazing, it paled compared to the entire cast being invited over to E. Lynn Harris' home (lucky me included) and eating dinner and spending hours with E. Lynn, Loretta Devine, Jennifer Lewis, Rockmond Dunbar, Terri J. Vaughn, Maurice Jamal & more. I was speechless the entire evening but played it cool like this was my life on a regular. UH - NO!!! Pinch me but Loretta Devine is telling me backstage stories of the original Dreamgirls stage play as I eat my vegetables. This is crazy and only in my world does this land in my lap.

There are too many stories to tell from massaging Jennifer Lewis' feet to E. Lynn remembering our earlier meetings and on and on and on. What an evening! It was great to catch up a bit with Maurice Jamal as well. I flashed back to being on set of the movie, watching Maurice Jamal at work directing the film, remembering the days of living in Oakland and seeing him do poetry over ten years ago in some small Oakland spot. Both of us had huge dreams - knowing now that he has seriously hustled to this point of seeing his dreams unfold. That's so beautiful to watch for a fellow artist. It's an untouchable feeling when an artist has opportunity to live their dreams, when their art and work receives fever and recognition.

My Truest Desire

Call me greedy
Or know that I have desires with a multi-layered floor plan
Rooms and rooms of options
Closets of craving
A loft of longing
A complexity of twists and turns that make me ME

That mechanic JaQuan changing my oil
With his pants sag down exposing the crack of his ass
Full of sweat that I’d taste in the middle of Jiffy Lube
Naomi with that fierce walk and body out this world
LL Cool J is hard as Hell
Ciara as well
Tocarra
Justin Slayer could slay me
I just can’t decide
And in my dreams I don’t decide
Why decide

What I miss most about Her is licking it
I had the best teacher
She would hold my head
And hold my concentration
And hold out my pleasure for the sake of Hers first
Not allowed to get mine
Until she got Hers
I was made to get close to it
To talk to it
Intense with it
Talk to it in a way that only a free brother can do
In a knowing way
That I know exactly what she wants me to know
That I do it better than her straight man can do
That I’m licking his drum that he beats
And I eat
With sensitivity
And intensity
And longevity
And insanity
That’s what I was taught to do
How I was made to do
I treat Her and it like I love to treat Her and it
In ways I’m rarely treated

I deliver this pleasure I’ve too known to her
I know what to say
Cause I know how it feels when he is licking me
When he is up close
And talking to my drum
That’s been beatin’
Different than he plays for Her
But too, that he has arenas for us both
Makes my rhythm for him, tonight more melodic and sweet
Like he bangs rhythm on her
In her
Like he pounds rhythm on me
In me
Like I’ve played rhythm and rhymes on them both
For them both
In them both
Why would I choose
Why would I opt out of it all
When it all
Is a part of it all to me

I miss sticking it too
And if it wasn’t for that one little quandary
That’s what I’d go do
Right now
And last night too
But for you
I relegate my desire
To a box you’re more comfortable with
And too, for you to know
I’m a warrior not afraid to be what you need me to be
An activist named queer, or homo
Just so you know
That it’s not that I’m too afraid to be gay
All the way

But more afraid to miss out on all the options that make me ME
Call me greedy
Or know that I have desires with a multi-layered floor plan
Rooms and rooms of options
Closets of craving
A loft of longing Cause what I miss most is licking Her